Hair update

Just got back from an all nighter at Open - well knackered!

Anyways, discovered on Paul's blog that you can upload photos direct, so here are some long awaited photos of my hair for those who haven't/can't see it.

This is the initial stages with kitchen foil:

Then we have straight after the foil is taken off:












After I've washed it:

When it's dry:










It's a shame it's starting to go more orangy now... maybe it will tone in with my hair. Grrr...

Matches

Whoo - just doing half days tomorrow and Thursday - I can't wait.
Am going in to the NYFC office to help Fliss do the bulletin. It shall be fun.

Spoke to a friend in from York this evening and she's going to come to Soul Survivor with us - another yey :) Means we can go on to our friend George's wedding straight on after it.

Prayed in the 24/7 prayer room today after work. That was cool. It's so lovely and chilled. I love having this space. It gives me more motivation to spend time with God. I'm coming away from everything in the day - there's nothing in the room from the day to distract me (other than my own mind). It's so much easier than just my room. Although I did struggle not to fall asleep today.

I was so excited this morning because I felt different. I felt awake. I stayed up a little too late, but I didn't fall asleep on Keith when we were watching dodgeball like I have been doing after work. I got up early and felt wide awake. This carried on all day until about 2 and then it just went. I found it incredibly hard to keep my eyes open. I needed match sticks or something. It's frustrating. I don't like being so tired. I get plenty of sleep.

I have just made some chocolate biscuits - the smell is wafting through the house - mmmm

Have also almost finished all the Fridays cards. Mark picked a load up this evening, I may see if I can carry the rest to work tomorrow ready to do in the bulletins! It's been quite fun and quite random changing the fives to sixes and the twos to nines. He he - well it's kept my family entertained.

Interesting

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Eeek

My hair is now dyed :) I'm worried it's gonna fade though. I'm gonna have to keep dying my hair brown until it grows out if that's the case! What have I started! Thanks to Keith and Rach for doing it though.

We had a sort of cell group after work today - Laura, Lou, Carl and I. We went to the cathedral for evensong first. I found it quite amusing. Laura refuses to go with me again. D'oh! Ah, maybe I'll be able to take it more seriously next time. We had a bit of a chat and an initially discussed maybe what we'd like to do. Feels good to have something happening.

I want to go on holiday, but I don't know what to do. Suggestions? (sensibly!)

Hair

I'm going to dye my hair this evening :D

If you're lucky I may post pics :D

Did the quiz from Carl's blog too. I don't think I feel alienated from older forms of church though. Possibly can't relate to them, but alienate is too big a word. Also, I don't think learning takes place in just dialogue. Is there anywhere you can read what it says about the other ones?

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. Emergent/Postmodern 75% Charismatic/Pentecostal 64% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 64% Classical Liberal 54% Fundamentalist 50% Neo orthodox 43% Modern Liberal 43% Reformed Evangelical 36% Roman Catholic 21% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

Lots to blog on

I have lots of different things to blog on today after reading different peoples' blogs and stuff.

I've not been working four days at the Valuation Office at St Andrew's Business Park. I have to say that I'm quite enjoying it. Not the getting up at 6.30 and having to travel across the city, but the days go pretty quick and the work is quite varied. Last year I worked in the same business park in St Andrew's hospital or whatever it is - stuffing envelopes in a room alone - very boring! Everyone in the office is really friendly though and we have a laugh.

Babysat for Grace with Keith last night. That was fun just to chill as we were both knackered. Shame she didn't wake up though - we need to day sit her, then we can teach her cheeky habits ;) Was nice to chat with Mark and Naomi when they got back too - all chilled and lovely.

I've been talking to so many people who are struggling with churches at the moment and not knowing where they belong. It's so frustrating. I feel like I'm loosing all this valuable time. For a start it would be lovely to pray with people regularly. It would be lovely to have people challenge me on my faith and walk with God - it would be lovely to be able to do the same for others. It would be lovely to belong to a church where I could express God's love be being a part of and doing things in the community. It would be lovely to be supported in my struggles with my housemates. Even at home it's not better. I love NCBC and if I was here permanently I think I could really get involved and do stuff - but I don't know how to if I'm just here for the summer. I was talking to Lou today about being frustrated about living in York. I so want to be more involved in NYFC too - helping with and planning for Fridays and everything else. I'll just have to be patient. I know that York is where God wants me now. But I don't see how my Christian side is fitting in.

I was interested to read Heather's blog on meditation. I'd really like to do some of that. I bought a book recommended by Carl off ebay called 'spiritual discipline' - problem being I don't have the time/energy/discipline to really get into it. Hmm... dunno what to do.

I'm also frustrated a little cuz with working full time it means I can't help out with the 24/7 prayer as much as I'd like to. Can't do everything I guess - will just have to do as much as I can. Same goes to helping Fliss with the bulletin. I'm really starting to appreciate the struggles 'normal' people have with trying to fit everything in and priorities. Lou seems to think I'm entitled to some time off if I work over a month. Seems rude to ask though...

Need to stop being tired

World View Quiz

Yep, I've done em too.

Interestingly I didn't fully understand a number of the words in this one so it may have altered my score - also I'm amused that it's called me a cultural creative as well - is this a new thing they're trying to get us all to be?

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 69% Idealist 56% Fundamentalist 56% Existentialist 44% Postmodernist 38% Romanticist 38% Modernist 25% Materialist 13% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

Moving

There's so much to consider when moving from uni accommodation to a house.

Like, which power supply to use: they currently use npower, but I've been told that's one of the most expensive in the Yorkshire area - so no which one? And how easy is it to change?

Internet connection: all the internet deals look great, but when there are 4 heavy users, you've got to have unlimited downloads which immediately wacks the price up.

Then what about the phone? You gotta have a phoneline for broadband, but my housemates claim they won't use it, so I can't get a deal on it. But they soooo will use it.

Then there's rooms. Who gets which one?

ARGH

Dedication

Went to The Rock again on Sunday. Don't think I'll go again. It's just not right.

The one thing I was impressed with this week though was the way in which they did a dedication for a new baby. (A very gorgeous one!) This baby doesn't have a dad that's going to be about for it. The leader didn't go into detail about it, but he did emphasise about it not being God's plan for it to be this way and how it's very sad that it's got to be this way. He then went on to proclaim how much God still loves this mother and her new daughter. I found it very beautiful and moving - it brought a tear to me eye! It impressed me because he did it so sensitively, he didn't avoid the issue, but he didn't make a big deal of it and he made sure that the mother and daughter, and the congregation knew that God still loves them.

That was the only good bit. The worship was loud and performancy and pushy as usual. The leader babbled on and on about maturity - some of which was good, some was just 'huh?!'

Back to King's when I'm next in York me thinks.

NCBC this week :D

Aren't We Great?!

Humility. Any interesting concept and one that could be missing from the church I went to yesterday.

Went to The Rock again (the 'We're the best church' one). I have to say that I did like it better this time compared to the last time. I went with my mum, Dionne and Bek. We had a free drink beforehand (got vouchers) and a few people came and chatted to us. I did enjoy the worship this time. Although I still disagree with it, I wasn't distracted by the guys running around with video cameras making the band appear on the screen behind the words. Didn't know many of the songs, but I really appreciated the way that they all flowed into each other without breaks - stops me getting distracted. Another plus point for me was that we sang Mary Mary's 'Shackles'. Never sang it in church before, but it meant so much to me at Passion last year so it was cool. Still don't like the 6 singers at the front though. They're too tarted up. Wrong impression in my mind. Also struggled with the whole are we clapping the band or God?

Didn't get to do communion, it's kind of an option self service thing at the front - no one in our pew went. It's not explained very well what it is. The talk was very very good. Although about listening to God and doing as he says and being amazed and rewarded and stuff. The leader spoke from personal experience. They had four people going off to do mission that they prayed for at the front which was cool. Think they prophesied too - no headscarves! Although they weren't women - actually I don't know what this church thinks on women. It used to be Assemblies of God.

I think they're more community orientated that I thought. Missed the good old anglican style of praying for the church and local community and then Uk and then the wider world. We didn't really pray or confess actually... There was a lot about breaking through boundaries in worship and stuff. Didn't like the 'everyone raise your hands bit' - I'll do that if I want thanks, not cuz you say so.

Will take Keith next time he comes to see what he thinks! ;)

Why is finding a church so hard? Really need to talk to God more.

*Grin*

Money

Money

Money sucks big time.

Why can't we have no money and just have what we need or something?!

My housemate has £30 for the next 2 weeks. She can't live on that. When she gets paid in two weeks most of that will go out on bills. When she gets paid a month after that most of it will go on our rent. She has no other money - she's maxed out.

I don't know what to do other than pray. She's wasted so much of it but she doesn't learn. She spends for comfort and I don't know how to make her see that she's wonderful.

Help?

And while you're at it God, Keith could do with a few hundred for his car poor guy, if not we may not be able to see each other. Why is it that even when you're sensible with money, it still attacks you? Why does money have to control so much?

Why?

I could do with a job too to help me through the summer gap.

Train Tickets

I just managed to catch my train back to York yesterday at 8.57am. Silly to pick at train during rush hour really!

Anyway, I hadn't bought a ticket and Norwich station doesn't have any ticket machines so you just have to queue and hope that you get to the front before your train leaves. I got there with about 5mins to spare so I ran to the front (there were about 15 people) telling everyone that my train was about to go. I discovered that at least the 4 front people had the same problem so I let them go first.

It was a very un-Helen thing to do. I'm never usuallly that assertive and forceful. I even heard someone exclaim 'How rude!' but I stuck to it otherwise I would have missed my train. It took me most of the train journey to recover and persuade myself that other angry customers weren't gonna come and have a go at me!

Did I do the right thing?

Guess what?!!!

I'm a bit late with this, but haven't been able to get online properly til now!!

I'm going out with a wonderful guy called Keith!!!!

Just thought I'd let the world know ;)

He's so lovely and caring, and thoughtful blah blah blah - ok I'll stop now before I and he gets too embarrassed.

Oh and - can you please pray for him as he's probably gonna be attacked by my family (up to 10 of em) on Sunday afternoon - he he!!!

Church again

Just a quite update from church last week. (Internet hasn't been on properly for a week!!!)

When I asked a woman about the headscarf stuff at the church on sunday she mumbled something about the apostle guy who heads up all their types of churches believes they should do it, so they do. I asked her what would happen if they had no headscarves and stuff and a woman wanted to pray, she said 'oh we're not that leagalistic!'

I will try and speak to the vicar next time.

I also discovered that the church is in a bit of a limbo state at the moment, which might explain some of the reasons I'm finding it hard to know whether to stick with it at the moment. The vicar is commuting from Swansea every weekend!!!!! He's been vicar since Jan and it struggling to find a house. So maybe things will be different once that's sorted.

29p Easter eggs

I've lost count of home many we've had as a house now.

Buttons eggs, creme egg eggs all for 29p each!

How are we gonna cope now they've sold out?!!!

Sad really isn't it?

Today has been very unproductive. I need to finish one essay and make a good start on the next. Maybe this evening something will happen. The sun is sooo nice though. Have been to sainsburys - that was productive. Oh and have tidied bedroom a bit and cleared out freezer a bit and epilated me legs :D

Saw The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy last night. I enjoyed it. It was very funny - especially the theme music - 'Thanks for all the fish!'

Student Volunteering Officer

So God, you want me to do this?

I had a phonecall from the President of the student union this evening asking me if I'd like to be Student Volunteering Officer. Apparently my name came up at a meeting and he was asked to 'encourage me'. Nomination deadline is Thurs 12pm so I've got to decide by then and come up with a manifesto. Hmm.... I don't even do any volunteering in York!

I don't really know what it involves. I'm meeting up with him tomorrow lunchtime. I just asked my housemates but they're weren't interested. They're a bit distracted by the fact that Sarah managed to set the grill on fire today. ;)

I don't know what to do. It's sounds like a cool title and would look good on my CV, but I don't think I could do it. It means talking to people and arranging and organising things!

Am I just suffering from a lack of confidence in myself?

Do I have time for it?

blah blah blah

Not such a good day today.

Think I'm just tired. It was a long day yesterday.

Experiential was very quiet. Usually we talk quite a bit, but today we were pretty silent. Think it could be because we're drawing to a close of the year.

I was awful in skills group. I was being observed by the tutor and videod today as counsellor. I just didn't know what I was doing and we had two very long uncomfortable pauses. I just feel really inadequate today. I was trying to make sure I worked through the model we're studying (so that I can write my essay) but at the same time you're not supposed to have a hidden agenda and are supposed to just go with the client. It's impossible to do both! Think maybe it could be coming from the feeling of helplessness from work yesterday. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing! I need a robot to practice counselling on.

In fact I'd love my course if we didn't have to do the practical videoed bit of actually counselling! lol

*sigh*

Can I do it?

First day at work yesterday.

Man that was an experience. I can't really go into much detail due to not really being clear on the confidentiality side of things! It was care work for disabled adults, in this flat two guys. One needing 2 to 1 support and the other 1 to 1. It was hands on the whole time. Neither of them could talk and a lot of my time was spent just keeping an eye on them. They both have challenging behaviour (yey, 64p extra an hour) and act like children.

We had music group in the afternoon - great fun! Not so fun on the car journey sitting between them though! One liked to hit. They're both really lovely though and you just fall in love with them.

The work will involve personal care as they can't do anything for themselves. I feel like I needed to be older and more worldly wise before I can do the job though. I need to have had kids! Cuz that's what it's like.

I'd like to be able to do it. It'll be good for me. I'm just not sure if it's for me. There's so much to remember and to do. Maybe it gets easier. It takes me an hour to get there too on the bus. I'm going to try biking tomorrow (gotta be there for 7.30am) and see how that goes! Working on Monday too - time and a half yey. Maybe I can stick it out until at least the summer!

I don't think I can be authoritative enough.

Hmmm... all confused

Headscarves

So what's the deal?

Why are the ladies at King's wearing headscarves when they are prophesying (don't you just get so confused on how you're supposed to spell that?!!)? Is it Biblical and ought we all be doing it?

The discussion on the forum hasn't helped much yet http://www.norwichyfc.co.uk/YaBBSE/index.php?topic=7607.0

But a couple of verses have been mentioned:
1 Corinthians 11:11-16
In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of women. For as woman came from man, so also is man born of woman. But everything comes from God. Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practise - nor do the churches of God.

Help please?

Who Should you vote for?

Yes I've jumped on the bandwagon too. My results I posted on Laura's blog are wrong cuz I didn't realise some were negative. Anyway, this is pretty much the same as what I got the first time:

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

	Labour 16
Conservative -25
	Liberal Democrat 42
UK Independence Party -5
	Green 43

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

King's

Well, thought I'd better post about church yesterday ;)

My friend Bek and I went to a new church on recommendation from my next-door-neighbour. It's a Ministries Without Borders church, of which I know nothing about - anyone that does, please feel free to comment!

We arrived 15mins late - by accident, and didn't quite know where to go as it's in a community hall. We were welcomed by a lady with a baby (who we later found out is the wife of the head elder) and then a young lad immediately grabbed us chairs without anyone asking. At this point, members of the church we taking it in turns at the front to share stuff with us - like the sharing time at Fridays, so that was pretty cool.

Next was some worship. Not brilliantly polished, but it felt real, sang some good songs - one made me cry cuz it reminded me of last year and it's an incredibly moving song anyway. There was some praying - the congregation joined in, there was space for people to pray and speak in tongues all together, there was a spontaneous song started which was cool.

The guy who spoke was really good to listen to. He interacted really well with the congregation, it wasn't just sitting there listening to him. He talked about the early church in Acts 2 and how we should follow it's example. Become Christians, be baptised, and receive the Holy Spirit. How we should have community together, be always praising the Lord, listening to teaching, share everything and do miracles. It was good stuff and interesting. Would like to learn more tho on their views of the Holy Spirit. He was suggesting you couldn't have him without being baptised - now I haven't be baptised but I sure have the Holy Spirit!

We finished with communion and a song - concerned on health and safety sharing the cup without washing it, holding the bread in our hands.... but hey!

People came and spoke to us afterwards without us even moving! Although the first girl isn't there really, used to be, has moved away, but keeps coming back! People were friendly and genuinely interested. They have cell groups, they're looking forward and looking to do more things in the community.

So, we shall go again next week and see what happens.

Compliments

Today in class we looked at feedback, particularly in the form of compliments.

We had to get into groups of 4, then go round and give each person a compliment that was superficial and then one that was deeper. It was hard work both from a giving and receiving point of view!

Here are what people said about me:
SUPERFICIAL
You are beautiful
We all like your infectious smile, you've got good teeth and appear friendly.
Nice eyes

DEEP
You're open
You're very real, genuine
Great sense of humour
Shining personalitly
So patient
Really caring
You're passionate
You are very organised.

I've written these down here as so often I find it difficult to remember my good points when put on the spot - so I can remind myself by looking on here!

As I received the compliments I felt myself get really hot and red. I tried to brush the compliments off by joking about my heating up etc and making a laugh out of it all (something I'm discovering I do quite a lot to hide what I really think/feel).

We then fed back to the group how it felt. We had all struggled with the exercise. We agreed that the British are quite reserved and don't always talk openly about this kind of stuff. We also agreed that we should compliment our friends and people more and point out their strengths (and possibly weaknesses too). Another interesting thing we discussed is whether when our friend are new, we see more of their qualities, then as we get to know them better we start to take these things for granted and don't see them so clearly unless we really think about it.

I also think that I just don't register in my brain people's good points and qualities. That doesn't mean I can't see them, I just don't very often think about them. Perhaps something I need to practice. I kind of just instinctively know whether I'd get on with someone and don't analyse it down to their individual qualities. It's nice to be able to compliment someone though.

Momentum

We're going!!

he he - yey.

At the moment it's just Laura and me, but I don't mind if it is just the two of us. It's gonna be a good break. Hope the weather is good!

yey

*bounces around*

Oh, and if you don't know what it is, it's a week at Shepton Mallet for 20+ run by Soul Survivor. And if people want to go to Passion - it's the same week and they can camp with us because all the cafe's and stuff and campsites are shared - yey. www.soulsurvivor.com/uk

Whooo

Torn

Haven't posted in a while.
Guess I've taken it for granted having 24/7 access at college. Doesn't seem to be time at home when we're all fighting for a turn!

Haven't even been to the forum. That used to be one of life's priorities for me. Whenever I did anything I had to go online to see if Paul or Mark or someone had messaged me. Like a lifeline almost. A contact with people, outside of my family, who thought I was ok and who I knew, although sometimes doubted, cared for me.

As I have come to have a more secure opinion of myself through God, that need and desire seems to have faded. I still eagerly check my inbox for messages from people. Although, I think I need to send more to my friends before I can expect stuff back!

I very much enjoyed Fridays last night. Not for the content, although I've nothing but positive about it, and what I saw of it looked fab. But it was the sense of belonging. As soon as I stepped through the door it felt like my teritory. A place and space I have missed. I enjoyed commanding/encouraging everyone to get out of the pews and to join everyone else. I enjoyed running around helping out. I enjoyed sneaking in to being part of the team. It was so great to see everyone.

Maybe it's just because I haven't found that community of people in York yet, but I just so want to be back with this community.

Oh and btw, we forumites are planning to take over. One day, in years to come, we are going to control NYFC. That's both an exciting and inspirational thought. A challenge. I don't mind if we don't make it though. It's a goal to aspire to, a goal in which I believe the journey of self discovery and development for us all is much more important. And for us to seek to be closer to God.

Will blog about my week on placement at some point.

Easter blessings to you all.

The Rock

Well I guess it would be good to post about The Rock this morning.

At the moment my over-riding thought/emotion is confusion!

I was expecting a modern building, but it had pillars and stuff and was pretty old. There were middle-aged, and elderly gentlemen in the car park who showed me where I could lock my bike. That encouraged me that it wouldn't be all young people!

I was warmly welcomed by a young woman who took me through the church (which looked remarkably like york baptist church across the road, and in fact, pretty much like a lot of churches I've been in!) and through to the back where there was a cafe style place. It looked quite modern and recently done. The woman introduced me to some people and gave me a free drinks voucher (they charge considerably for drinks!!) as it was my first time. I ordered an orange juice and sat down. I felt very shy and the conversation was quite limited. I suddenly realised that I probably should be asking them questions too and not just answering theirs!

Anyway, that went on for 45 mins and then we all went back into the church. I sat with these people I met in the middle. The church is wider than it is long so you get a pretty good view wherever you sit. I realised at this point I should have asked if the tea and coffee was fair trade but I forgot. There seemed to be quite a mix of ages, but predominantly young people.

Now the front of that church was interesting. It was a complete proper stage (they have a dance academy too) with a sheet of black from the ceiling covered in lights like stars. From the floor to the balcony was a white sheet covered in the same kind of lights, but which also had spot lights in blue and pink shining down. Then I realised there was a complete light system going on! There was a big screen in the middle like we have at Fridays, and then the band took up the whole stage. This is where alarm bells started going off as I remembered a conversation with an old pastor who talked to me about the significance of the placing of things at the front of the Baptist church we were at. In the Baptist church, the pulpit was raised in the middle of the stage because of the centrality of the Bible teaching to our lives, below it was the table for communion, and to the side would be the musicians. I don't know whether it's me being 'traditional' or whatever, but that makes sense to me.

I don't like the band being centre stage as it leads to band worship. As in worshipping the band.

As the service started the musicians came on and this included six singers with hand held microphones. Everyone in the band had lots of makeup and looked really dressed up. I thought uh oh, this is really starting to look like a performance. I don't like it when people when lots of makeup. It makes me think they're insecure in how they look. I think it can make others who don't look so perfect feel unworthy. Then they started singing. One bloke, in a kind of gospel style but not quite. Then the other singers joined in, dancing around and really getting into it. There were at least two guys running around with cameras so that shots of the singers and band could be shown on the screen behind the words. Eventually it got to bits where the congregation could join in. I found it all very distracting, but when we got to songs I knew I shut my eyes and really met with God. The noise was so loud with people singing and enjoying themselves, you could just groove. But I struggled when I had to open my eyes to read the words. The whole thing felt like a performance. People clapped after each song - fine if their clapping God, but people shouted out well done to the singers and stuff!

I enjoyed the way they embraced the Holy Spirit and people spontaneously prayed. They certainly believed in the power of God to heal and stuff today. The talk was very challenging and appropriate. Talking about leaning on God and his understanding, not our own. Might blog more about it tomorrow. I couldn't write down the stuff he was saying fast enough!

The leader guy kept going on about this church being the best church ever. Not the only church, but the best. That annoyed me a bit. They don't seem to be in to doing things with other churches, but they kept saying, 'anyway we can serve you, let us know!' We served ourselves communion at the front. No one quite explained what it was.

I chatted to some people afterwards and asked about the work they do in the community. Not much was the answer. They do a drop in for the homeless a number of afternoons. She didn't seem to want to talk about community.

I then had an amazing talk with an older guy from Cyprus. He's been there 21 years and seen it change from a church were no one was welcomed, and now he actively encourages the younger people to welcome people. We agreed that it gives such an awful impression not to be welcoming. What does that say to non-Christians? I really enjoyed my chat with him. He kept squeezing my arm and was very enthusiastic. He seemed genuinely nice and interested. We talked about the importance of being routed in a church and stuff. I mentioned that I found the worship a bit showy. He didn't answer directly, just said something vague about not everything suiting everybody and you have to make allowences for some things. I guess he's right to a certain extent. So what if they're not doing much with the community - that's something we can sort out. So what if they're not using fair trade stuff - we can sort that.

But I just don't know. I think I'll try Kings the week I get back after Easter. Then I'll try The Rock again.

Chocolat

Have just watched Chocolat - and no not just to see Jonny Depp - I didn't realise he was in it!

It's a film that people have mentioned to me before and recommended watching - so since I'm on a free trial thingy I thought I would!

I enjoyed it and I think it speaks powerfully about exclusion and being too stuck up our own noses to help people. Unfortunately it puts the church in a bad light. It makes it appear domineering and exclusive and as though Christians have no thought for others other than to make themselves look better. The priest geezer did shine through at the end though. He knew what he was talking about, he was just overpowered by the mayor.

It made me think about how I view others. Do I just look down from my high moral horse at the pitiful people around me, or do I refuse to let that stop me from helping others? Or do I have that in my mind as I help others? What are my priorities?

The film shows how cruel people can be emotionally and psychologically. How unwelcome and uncomfortable we can make new people, or different people feel. In fact that reminds me of one of my housemates today. She came in crying after a tiff with her boyfriend. Don't think I've ever heard someone cry so violently! She knows that her problems come from devoting all of herself to him, from being completely dependent on him. She also knows that she needs to socialise more and make more friends than just her housemates. But she refuses to. She doesn't like making friends. Therefore she's not going to. She said she only made friends with us because she was forced into the situation. (hmm.. that's actually quite insulting. Didn't think of that.) When people come round our house that she doesn't know, she completely gives them the cold shoulder and is insistant that they don't like her.

It makes me sad. I don't really know how to help except listen and pray. But God's a big guy!

Drunkeness

Well this eve has been the first time I've had to deal with completely drunk housemates who've been sick! Nice. Actually wasn't too bad.

Started with a water fight - thankfully avoided getting wet!

And finished in tears and sick - lovely.

I guess it's what friends do for friends. Although I think one housemate is still in disbelief that we could quite happily hold her hair up and hug her while she was being sick. 'I'm so glad I got in this house with you guys!' she exclaimed a number of times. I just hope she'd do the same for us!

It's been partly quite funny, but also quite sad. They're so upset in their lives. So unhappy with themselves. Lord, please just work in their hearts.

Lost

Feeling a little lost today.

In class we were doing role play which has been fine so far, but today I just couldn't do it. I was overcome with nerves and completely self conscious. I struggled to fight through it. It felt like I'd taken some steps back, or was it the concern that the happy 'I can do anything Helen' face that I put on was just that. A face. A mask that I've been hiding behind, or can I really be that Helen?

I also feel a bit lost because I haven't seen my closest friend at uni properly for the last few weeks. I haven't had a big heart to heart with anyone about how things are going.

Also lost due to church. I'm increasingly realising that where I was, was not for me. I was kidding myself. I've learnt more from Hotel Rwanda and reading my friend Carl's blog than I have from church since I started uni. I know all about the don't just complain - do something about it, but that church was so big, it would take me the 3 years of uni to get far enough in for my ideas to be listened to.
Problem is I haven't found another church. I'd like a church that is concerned with community around it, that is committed to giving fair trade a go, that is in touch with today, that takes an active part in ministry both her here and abroad. A church I could bring my friends to.

Gonna try out The Rock on Sunday http://www.rockchurch.org.uk/ have heard mostly negative reports about it being like a performance, so am gonna check it out for myself.

Best thing about today was finding my wallet and discovering a 7 pack of salt and vinegar hula hoops at ASDA. Usually you can only get mixed packs which is pointless for the likes of me who don't like all the flavours. I was literally skipping round the store :D

Hotel Rwanda

Wow.

At the moment I am speechless along with tear stained cheeks.

Can't really think of the most appropriate words to describe the film. I think it's the most I've cried in watching any film so far. Not only was it a true story, but also a reminder of what goes on in the world today.

Don't go and see it if you want a nice cosy night out. Go and see it if you want your senses woken and your passion stirred.

The thing is, how do you respond to it?

At one point in the film a camera man had filmed the local people being brutely (sp?) murdered and beaten. This was to be shown to the world. The main guy, although deeply upset by the footage desparately wanted it to be shown because then maybe people would come to help. To which the cameraman replied that no, they would say, 'oh my God that's awful' and then carry on eating their dinner.

Is that not so true? Does it not touch a nerve to realise that you do that?

We don't have to live in constant fear of our lives. How would you cope in that situation? Or would you rather not think about that?

Hmm... think that's all I can write for now.

Frustration

I have a number of frustrations at the moment.

Firstly, the cleaner is in the house. Usually I'm at a lecture (study day today) so I don't hear her or even see her, but today I can hear her and don't want to leave my room til she's gone! Our house isn't in an awful state. It could just be cleaner. We have no consistency in our cleanliness, sometimes it's really clean (particularly if it's a housemates 'time of the month') and sometimes there is ice cream stuck hard on the surfaces and lots of pots.

At the moment it sounds like the cleaner is sawing something in our kitchen. I just hate having someone in the house that isn't one of us or one of our friends. Makes me feel so uncomfortable. A number of times I've stopped and talked to her, but I don't like her cleaning up my mess.

Another frustration is my Spring Harvest application form being lost in the post. Maybe it's not right for me to help at it, but it would have been nice. Jolly postal system. Not so worried about my CRB results form being in it any more as I'm having another one done for my new job. It throws my plans for Easter in the air, so I'm unclear as to how long to go home for now. Who knows, maybe they'll get the form in the next few days....

A third frustration is the 3mile distance from my house to the offices of my new job. When I'm working it won't be at the offices so it won't matter so much, but I've got to go and take some ID for my CRB form, and then go back again at a later date to collect the ID again. I don't really want to face the cycle ride again and two trips would make it £4.60 on the bus which is quite a lot for just dropping off and picking up again.

My last frustration and maybe the biggest is church. I don't know what to do about it! It was ok on Sunday at Elim, but there's something I don't like about it and I can't put my finger on it. It's like the gut feeling I had about my boss last year. But I don't know where else to go.

How do you find a church?

Playing Games

I've just finished reading a book called Counselling for Toads by Robert De Board. It's based on the characters from Wind in the Willows and follows the story if Toad being depressed and being encouraged by his friends Ratty, Mole and Badger to go for counselling with Heron. It then goes on to tell you how the sessions go and at the same time explains to the reader the theory of Transactional Analysis.

We were recommended to read it for our course as an easy way in to learning about TA and I have really enjoyed reading the book and watching Toad's development of his Emotional Intelligence.

One particular part of the book that interested me was the chapter on the psychological games we play. (There's a further book on this called 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne which i shall read next!) It's funny to think that underlying everything we're often playing little games with ourselves and each other without realising it. There's also another book by Berne called 'I'm ok, You're ok' which describes the different states of mind we can be in. There is 'I'm ok, you're ok', 'I'm not ok, you're ok', 'I'm ok, you're not ok' and 'I'm not ok, you're no ok.' Quite confusing but I think it makes sense.

*Someone in a 'I'm not ok, you're ok.' state might play the game of 'I'm So unlucky'. They believe that everything that goes wrong is down to somebody or something else and is down to luck. They forget the good things that have happened to them and just remember all the bad stuff.
*Someone in that state may also play 'PLOM' which is 'Poor Little Old Me' - which is basically having a pity party.
*There is also 'Love Me No Matter What I Do.' Someone playing that game will try to push things (as in how they act and treat people) as far as they can to see how far they can get before someone stops forgiving them or rejects them. Then they have the perfect (in their mind) excuse to say 'you don't love me really'.

These three games are very negative and the players often end up getting depressed and feeling low. The last game it talks about here is Suicide. Never looked at it as a game before.

Then there's the 'I'm ok, you're not ok' state. (e.g. someone who thinks they're better than others). The games played here are 'usually games where the player can be angry, or at least critical or judgemental.'
*NIGYYSOB - 'Now I've Got You, You Son of a Bitch'. I'll copy out of the book what it says for this one. 'This game is frequently played at work. First of all, someone makes a mistake. The boss notices it, calls in the erring subordinate and proceeds to give him or her a dressing down, shouting and raving at them out of all proportion to the offence committed. As you can see, this game allows the angry person to get angry, apparently justifiably. They have the proof that other people are essentially incompetent and unreliable, and second, that it is there duty to chastise and punish them. "Otherwise", they say, "they will think they can get away with it!"' This is where a lot of bullying at work comes from.
*'Why Do You Always Let Me Down?' is a game that allows the player to feel superior and the victim guilty and inferior.
*'How Dare You!' is another. 'These are the persecutors who use any opportunity to create situations where they can judge and punish others.'
*And lastly there's Murder. Although I'm not sure how much of that I'd call a game.

People in this position very rarely get depressed.

Interesting to see how the people in these two opposite states are affected by things. In the book it gives an example of a taxi being late. Someone in the 'I'm ok, you're not ok' would be likely to get angry with the taxi firm ranting and raving on the phone. Whereas someone in the 'I'm not ok, you're ok' state would be more likely to wonder why they're been forgotten, think that the firm must have got more important clients, or even blame themselves thinking they'd made a mistake.

I find this all very interesting and can't wait to find out more!

What do others think?

Cold Calling

Never never ever again!

This evening I worked for 4 hours from 5-9 for the job agency I'm imployed by. Their client was a market research agency who wanted us to cold call people from the phonebook in a certain town in the UK to do research on a housing company which has recently taken over the council properties. The company is looking to provide new services such as building maintanence and leisure facilities and various other things to both people who own or rent privately and who have council houses.

We had to say that the questionaire took 10 mins when in reality it was more like 20-30. It was very repetitive and boring to both read and fill in. A lot of the questions were hard for me to fill in let alone the people I was reading it to.

I'm sure you're realising by now that I didn't enjoy this experience!

Most people were polite and just said no thank you. One guy replied to my, 'I'm working for a market research agency' - 'oh you poor thing, what a shame' and slammed the phone down.

Unfortunately we were being paid £3.50 per survey, and although I managed to get through the whole side of a sheet from the phonebook, I only completed 3 surveys - that means I get less than minimal wage. Of the four of us, two did 6 surveys, one 4 and then me. To be honest I think it's the luck of the draw. We all had random lists, said exactly the same things in pretty much the same tone of voice.

All three of mine got fed up part way through. I felt sorry for the first old lady and hope that I haven't killed her off. She wasn't feeling well by the end of it and couldn't manage to finish it. Oops.

Never ever am I doing that again.

Make Povery History

... or make hiverty posturee as I said this morning in my tired state!

Just got back from student volunteering conference. We talked a bit about the make povery history stuff and I discovered that my college is doing nothing about it. So I figured maybe I could start something.

Just wondering if anyone knows much about what I could do at uni? Or where I can find out more info about stuff etc.?

Church

Church - an interesting thing.

Today I checked out a new church. Elim Pentecostal. Last week I didn't go to church in the morning and felt so much better because of it. I figured that something was wrong there. Each week I've been going to church and getting more and more frustrated and disatisfied with the lack of friendliness and lack of challenging teaching. The church is too big for me - 500+ is a lot of people. People go there to feel 'comfortable' and so that's what the church gives them. I've been coming away feeling so depressed with it all and it felt good to not have that weight on my shoulders last week.

I've become disatisfied with the small group too because the general attitude is 'we're too cool to do any of what has been set for us to do - in fact lets not do anything'. This is quite disturbing since they're all quite a bit older than me and the leader is one of the curates.

I'm starting to get the feeling that things that could be better in the church are just blamed on the fact that it's a big church - so nothing is done about it.

Elim this morning was good. I went with some friends who are also disatisfied with the church they're going to. We were welcomed as we went in by a number of people which was cool. Given a free magazine (glossy in colour) about the church, shown where to go and where to get drinks. The church is a cafe style which is nice and informal with somewhere to lean on when you want to take notes during the sermon. Met with God in the worship which was cool, but the band could have done with a few more practices especially in the art of listening to each other and paying attention to the leader! Was quite amusing.
Unfortunately it wasn't a normal Sunday as it was the leader's 25th anniversary in ministry, so we had a visiting speaker who had to cut his sermon into 15mins. Said some good stuff about trusting God though. I liked the way there were plenty of opportunities to talk to the people on your table, and also a break where you could go and get a drink and talk to people - one guy came over and welcomed us and we had a good chat. They even seemed to be well connected into current affairs - especially in the world and we prayed about churches they had links to in Paris who are in court fighting for the right to worship in their building. We prayed about the threat on our freedom of speech in Britain too.

So all in all I've liked what I've seen so far - will try it again.

The only things I didn't like were a) the fact that it was in a school - just not used to it I guess. I like having a central building. Although it does mean that more of the ministry can be done in homes and pubs etc. 'Coming of going, going of coming' etc. b) the fact it took me 45mins to walk there and c) the number of times we sang the same song! lol.

Was going to church tonight to 'visions' a multimedia service done by the church I was going to. It's too cold to go out though! There is snow on the ground! Only heard negative about it so far - but that's from the people I would expect not to like it.

Think I'm gonna have to spend some time with the big guy. Please pray about this for me - cheers.

Quizzes

He he - found this on a forum members blog, but I the tag doesn't work properly so I've just copied it out:

H Honest
E Entertaining
L Loving
E Elitist
N Naive

S Sexy
P Powerful
A Appreciative
R Refreshing
K Keen
L Lucky
E Extreme
S Silky


Ha ha - I like these too but I can't make it work properly either

How to make a Helen:
1 part intelligence
1 part humour
1 part energy
Add to the cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add lustfulness to taste. Do not overindulge!

How to make a sparkles:
5 parts friendliness
1 part courage
3 parts beauty
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of curiosity and a pinch of salt. Yum!

If you want to have a go, go to www.go-quiz.com

Experiential Group

Today I had my first experiential group. I missed the last one due to being ill, so I was both excited and apprehensive - especially as I'd heard reports of people crying last time.

It was good though. I enjoyed it. I think that they're going to be very insightful. At the moment we're starting off with an exercise each session to ease us into it. Today we had to think of one strength and share it with the group. We were then challenged by the group to voice what the positives and negatives about the strength.

I sat there getting more and more frustrated as my mind just went blank and I couldn't think of a strength. I know I have strengths. I've seen them! I've written them on application forms, and I've discussed them with people - but I just couldn't think of anything to say. Eventually I admitted to the group how frustrated I was and that I knew I could agree with people once they told me my strengths, but I couldn't think of them in the first place. I came to the conclusion that maybe one of my strengths is reflecting on why I do things and being passionate about personal development. We had a good discussion and the teacher asked if I was up for people spontaneously saying what they thought my strengths were. That was fine, so they did. The first person said that they had noticed my great interest in other people. This was backed up by another saying that I really care for people and am always the one to just drop a text to see how someone's doing. A number of people said it was my determination to do things especially after they heard me talk about my desire to better myself and saw me running around trying to get a house last week! Another said my genuineness and openness. Another said my organisation and that I always seemt to know what I'm doing. We also picked out the perfectionist in me.

I think I benefitted a lot from this exercise and I'm going to hold on to the things people said. I'm not sure I could have such an insight into them back - I'm not that observant. But I'm impressed as they've only known we since late September!

I am looking forward to the next one!

Interpersonal

Yesterday we had interpersonal skills.

I think it should be renamed 'intrapersonal' skills really. This module is going to be interesting and a lot of fun. Hard work as well as we delve into ourselves.

We briefly recapped on some Carl Rogers stuff from last term.
Self concept - our individual perception of ourselves, usually aquired in early childhood.
Ideal self - what the self, in response to the conditions of worth aspires to be. (e.g. child is reprimanded for showing fear - told to be brave, learns to be so and ends up not feeling fear at all)
Organismic self - present from birth. Represents the real inner life of the person. Aims to move towards harmony and intergration. When allowed to evolve - moves naturally to maturity and self actualisation.

Interesting stuff. We also looked at The Johari window. It consist of a square divided into four boxes. Top left represents 'Open' - your open, conscious public behaviour, known to you and others.
Top right represents 'Blind' - where others can see things about you that you cannot see
Bottom left represents 'Hidden' - the things we know about ourselves that we don't reveal to others.
Bottom right represents 'Unknown' - feelings, thoughts and motives within you that are known to neither yourself or others.

The open area can be expanded by talking honestly about yourself to other people and listening to feedback.

Taken from York St John class handout.

It's an interesting and clear way of looking at things. Helps you to see how the different information you have about yourself is held - and equally, how your client holds information about themselves. In class we had to think of two things for the open section and for the hidden section. It was quite hard to come up with them. I can't think of much that is hidden about me from my classmates. We also had to think of questions to ask others about ourselves for our blind section. I put, 'Do people really like me or do they just find me annoying?!' I couldn't think of questions for my unknown spot. That's more difficult.

We also had to think about our biggest success in the last 12 months - surviving uni life.

Our biggest failure in the last 12 months - going home from my gap year.

What we'd like to achieve in the next 12 months - to be more me.

What we'd like to achieve in the next 10 years - to do what God wants and to grow through and enjoy what he's got instore for me.

What our motto is - Phil 4:13.

What we'd like written on our grave stone! - 'I am not but I know I Am'.

We had to share with the class - it was quite embarrassing but interesting to listen to others. Pretty much all of us had uni if the first section which was interesting.

In the afternoon we did some role play which was great fun! We split into two teams - the other team had to shut their eyes while we put them in previously agreed positions relating to a theme we'd agreed on. We put them in the position of a funeral/burial with a vicar, a dead person, some people crying etc. They then had to each in turn describe how they were standing. Once they done that - without opening their eyes they had to guess what the theme was. It was quite bizarre.

The teacher then opened his cosmic trading store and one by one we had to go up and offer him a characteristic we wanted to get rid of, and what we'd like to swap it for. I said my obsessiveness for creme eggs and bargins for some wisdom.

It's all been very interesting. I'm amazed at how well I've coped with it. Especially the role play. In the past I would have panicked and tried to get out of it - but I just let myself go and enjoyed it! I'm finding that I'm a lot more confident with the people in my classes too. We've changed round a bit and I'm finding it really easy to talk to new people! It's great!

House and money

We had to sign our lives away this Wednesday.

Well, £200 each deposit for our new house - ouch! I had to lend a housemate £100, and another housemate had to lend the other housemate the full £200! We weren't expecting it.

It's quite scary really. I'm a bit worried about my housemates and money. They don't seem to have any of it. Or jobs. Our loan of about £1300 is to last us from April til October. Rent and bills of our new house from July will be about £735 over that time and there's the last installment of our current accommodation which will be over £800 with our bills. So together that's more than our loan. So it will be an interesting time. We just need jobs! I know I will be fine as I still have savings (but it'd be nice to have a job too), but my housemates have barely any money now and it's still 2months till we get our next loan in! It's crazy.

It's all very interesting. Makes we wonder how students can be without debt.

Still looking forward to the new house though. Think I've persuaded people to get a deal where we got broadband and free landline calls for a decent amount a month. It'll make such a difference having a landline. I'll actually be able to keep in touch with people better! I can't wait! Four and a half months to go! LOL. Need to live in the here and now more!

House!

We have a house!

It's so exciting!

Everyone thought I was crazy getting up early and sitting there pressing refresh on the college intranet waiting for the list to come up. Crazy leaving messages on landlords' phones in the morning when they're all at work. But it certainly paid off! A guy phoned me back that afternoon with two houses for us to go and view - like 2/3mins from college, so we arranged to take a look the following afternoon. I liked both houses we looked at. The second one we had to ignore the mess because it was being redecorated. As we looked round we realised that there were a lot of people interested in them and we worried that we wouldn't have a chance. Until! The guy turned round at one point and said, 'Helen, you have first refusal because you left a message on my answerphone first.' - fantastic!!!!!

So we chose the house like 2 mins from college which is only 12 years old and looks really nice and will be fantastic! It has a garage under the house that we're going to turn into a kind of den and I'm going to have a bedroom on the top floor which has sky light windows. And, he's happy for us to have wires hanging all over the place to link all four of us up for broadband! That will save us having to pay out to get wireless. Plus it's £3 less a week than we're paying now.

He's a really nice guy and said to me that he knew we'd get the house as soon as he heard my voice on the phone. And when he sent the contracts through he wrote a note saying, 'Dear Helen, I'm so glad you got the house.' Brilliant! He even gave us a lift home and he doesn't care what state the house is in while we live there as long as it's clean at the end!

We're so excited! We want to move in now as it's soooo much closer to college.

I just want to thank you God! You've answered all my prayers in regards to housing so far. You knew that I wanted to be nearer college so that I can easily go round friends' houses when my housemates desert me to go out with boyfriends! Thank you thank you thank you! Now I believe even more that it's right for me to live with my non (or not yet!) Christian house mates as everything is going so smoothly and falling into place.

Ha, one of my housemates just had the cheek to complain that we all deserted her last night. I invited her out with me but she refused on grounds she was tired. Don't know what the others did. It just amuses me from the number of times she and the others desert me to go out with their boyfriends. Ah well, it's all fun!

Coming home today. Train station was rude and charged me £10 extra for train ticket. Grr. I hope it's a good journey.