Unsettled

Today I am feeling unsettled.

I'm quite stressed over my 3 essays - which is normal, but I wish I knew how to successfully cope with that stress. I know all the theory, but my brain is not accepting it.

I also feel unsettled in relationships. Things are changing. In some cases beyond my control. It makes me thankful of my relationship with God. I know He is forever unchanging. But it still makes me feel sad when I see friends come and go, and those I thought were friends come under a new light. A big part of me cannot wait to get back to uni. I know now that my housemates appreciate me and miss me. I miss them too however much of a hassle they can be and however much of a hassle I am to them.

I also feel unsettled in my heart for the people in Asia. Such an awful tragedy. I want to help, but what can I do. I'd quite like to be an aid worker - going out and helping as much as possible. It's scary. For one minute everything is fine and the next everything is gone. My brother's friend was out there at the time, thankfully they had a 1st floor room and everything is ok.

I am encouraged at what I see of the world pulling together to help. When I last looked £15million raised by charities through the giving of the people in the UK - that's staggaring. £50million send by the government including money from the Queen. We can only pray the aid gets there in time. And I shall pray that God's will is done and that He comforts and is with all the people. It's amazing too seeing the locals pull together to search, rescue and sort things out.

I stand in awe at the natural power that God has created and I don't know what to say.

I think this has caused the tragic death of my cousin just a few weeks ago, to slowly sink in too.

Lord, what can I say?

Christmas

Happy Christmas everyone!

God is good!

I even got some funky glasses - I will post up the pic when I've uploaded it.

SNAP

Just got back from SNAP.

SNAP is an event run for 14-17s at Time nightclub in Norwich www.norfolksnap.com
I enjoyed helping today it was fun, if not tiring. In fact, I'm completely knackered!

Tired from running round trying to do Christmas shopping (well I couldn't exactly bring presents home on the train now!), emotionally tired, and tired from the end of term and essays.

I think my brain has switched off the last week or so.

Fun Fun Fun!

Essays, essays and more essays. Am trying to get two done this week so that I only have 1 for over Christmas.

I got an A in my essay yesterday - so I was like -whoooo!
Today I got a C, so that's just confused me.

I'm also a bit speechless cuz I've just found out a standing order I had has been going out of two of my bank accounts each month!!!! Grrr... and d'oh!

Hair

I cut my housemate's hair!!!!

Mwu ha ha ha!!

Self

Arrrghh!!

What have I learnt about myself this week?

*From watching myself counselling - I speak majorly poshly!! Craziness!

*Counselling studies makes you very self absorbed! You're constantly reflecting on yourself, what you say, think, do - you have to remind yourself to think of other people! It's starting to get annoying - starting to feel like everything I talk about is me!

*I'm becoming a mother! No, not a real mother - don't panic! I'm the mother in our house, which was amusing to begin with, but I hate it now. I want to be peoples' friend not their mother. I can't help it - advice welcome.

*I often think of myself as better than other people or that I know better. Anothing that's beginning to annoy me. It's so easy to see into other peoples' lives and see where they're going wrong (particularly with money) - but when do you say something? Do you say nothing and let them get on with it? Or do you suggest that maybe things would be easier if they.... or whatever. If I do I just end up looking big headed and like I know best. Which I don't in many situations.

Argh I'm going crazy. Help people!

Counselling Two

Guess I ought to write something about my counselling session yesterday really!

It was good. Bit up and down emotionally - but what else can you expect?!

We talked about the kind of big blocks I have in my brain that stop me from thinking properly. Sometimes when asked certain questions or when I have to think about some things, my mind just goes blank and it's really hard to fight passed that, so I just say, 'I don't know' which in itself is frustrating.

I feel like I've lost a chunk of my brain. I used to be clever. At GCSEs I was getting A*s, at A2 that went down to Cs, and now my first essay at degree has come back as a C. It's not bad, but I can't help thinking that I've lost something along the way. I find it hard to concentrate and have to read textbooks over and over again, as I just switch off when I'm reading them and discover that I can't remember what I read in the previous sentence.
Everything is just really hard to comprehend and takes a lot of effort. I feel thick! Things have to be explained really simply before I can understand what's going on.

This in turn confuses me as to whether I'm doing my best or not. By looking into the past I see my best as As and stuff, but has my best now changed? What am I aiming for? What's good for me and what's bad?

I just come up with big blanks.

We figured that one reason for me finding things hard could be because a lot of the theories I'm learning in counselling actually relate to me. So I either switch off cuz I'm not ready to go there, or get sidetracked into thinking about myself. New Testament studies could be the same because I believe that God is working in my life and speaks through the Bible, therefore reading the Bible means that he might speak to me and that can be scary and challenging - therefore it's easier not to go there.

Anyways, I'm hoping this will all start getting easier as the counselling goes along.

May I just need someone to kick me into doing work!

Christmas!

Christmas has come early in York!!

This is our kitchen:

And this is playing with presents :D

Be-Loved!

We are Be-loved!

And why do we go out to serve the world? Be-Cause!

God's name is 'I am'. His full name is 'I am, that I am'. We are sent by I am.
The Hebrew word for it is Ehyeh (which is kinda pronounced Hiyah!)
It translates into the verb 'to be'
So God's name is 'Be' (present tense active verb)

So if God told you his name he could say 'I am' or translate it into our grammatical structure 'I Be'

Everyone goes around using God's name in the wrong context. But we know another name. We can call him 'I Am' or 'Be'.

We know God's name, God knows our name. We're talking with the most high God - and he's given us the priveledge to talk to him by name! Always the same, never changing God, 'I Am'.

And because God is 'I Am' that means that 'I am not'. We are all 'I Am not'
I am not in charge
I am not in control
I am not able
I am not the owner of anything
I'm not all wise
I'm not the solution to your problem

I Am is the owner of everything - all your worries concerns and stuff.
The world does not revolve around you.
It's not about me, it's all about Him
He knows I'm tiny, He knows I have issues, He knows I'm just one of many people, I'm a spec on a radar.

But it's ok, cuz He's 'I Am' and He lives inside me. 'Be' has chosen me.
I am not, but I know 'I Am'

So back to the beginning - why do we go out into the world telling people about Jesus and doing random acts of kindness like digging gardens, running cafes and kids clubs and generally helping people? Be-Cause!

It's a 'Be' cause. 1 John 4:19 'We love because He first loved us'

(Taken from Louie Giglio's first talk at Soul in the City)

Shackles

I am just loving the chorus of this song at the moment!

Shackles by Mary Mary:

'You take the shackles of my feet so I can dance
I just want to praise You
I just want to praise You!

You broke my chains now I can lift my hands
I just want to praise You
I just want to praise You!'

We sang it amongst many worships songs in the summer at Soul in the City and Passion for Your Name and it just really spoke to me.

Passion for Your Name was the first time I felt able to 'lift my hands' and worship God as I wanted and how it felt right at that time. Basically, God broke through and broke some chains so this chorus just sums it all up.

I don't like the rest of the song as much, so I was very pleased to find a remixed version through Windows Media Player today - and I just can't stop singing, dancing and praising!

Thank You Lord!

Under Arm Epilation

Ouch! I hear you say ;)

See personally, epilation has been a major breakthrough for me. Waxing just sounds too painful and expensive and shaving does not leave you with that 'smooth and silky' feeling for long (probably a couple of hours). But my fabulous epilator - although not perfect has improved my hair free life a great deal!

Yes, pain was a worry, but it came with a massage unit and so after the first go on my legs is painless and feels almost like a relaxing massage - quite theraputic.

Now under arms were a different (but worth it) story. Yes is hurt a lot the first few times! The provided gel cooling pad was a help, but now I can do it with no worries and the results are fantastic!

So if any of you out there are looking for a new hair removal system - I very much recommend an epitator!!

Fridays

I want to be at Fridays!!!

Actually - it would have finished now.

Counselling

Well, had my first counselling session this morning. It wasn't particularly helpful today cuz we were just going over the background - which I've done plenty of times before. It was ok though. We'll see how it goes. She's only trained to almost diploma level though. That would be the equivilent of me and the end of 2nd year - not that far ahead really! Hmm....

Pub again this evening.... getting fed up with this smell of smoke...

Made an advent calendar for me friend :) I enjoyed that.

It's quite random really. Lots of pieces of chocolate wrapped up inside. It's a bit late too.

I'm really enjoying this blog thing though. I'm learning all about html and even figured out how to do links and change my background today - can't wait to discover more!

Home From the Pub

I've had a fab as evening!

Went to the pub with Bek, Sheba and Mel - potential people for living with next year. It was so cool just to have a girly giggle and feel comfortable and accepted. We went to The Independent near college and talked about everything from boys and kissing, to how much effort we should be putting into uni work to planning birthday parties.


Anyways, I thought I'd have a go at this blog thing again as a lot of my friends seem to have one, and it means that people can keep up with what I'm up to easily!