Birthday!

Well today has been my 20th birthday!

It started off cool with talking to my parents and various other people online at midnight, then as soon as I woke up I opened the cards and presents that had come in the post. So that was cool. I talked to my nana and aunt on the phone for a while which was cool too.

Then I realised that no one was about, so felt a bit lonely. Went to church and no one spoke to me as usual. I went to the hall for a drink afterwards but couldn't see anyone I knew. A girl from college appeared to recognise me and took me back to her's for lunch as I was upset that it was my birthday and there was no one to hang with! It was so nice of her. She cooked me dinner and then walked me most of the way home! It was so lovely. She recognised me from the grub crawls that CU did at the beginning of term!

When I got back home I talked to the family on the phone for hours! Had to go round all of them which was cool. They seemed to be having fun having a birthday meal for dad. When I spoke to him he hadn't been able to open any presents yet! We're going to have a sort of second celebration for me when I go home next weekend.

My housemate was up when I got back which was cool. We walked into town together as I was going to a student tea at church. She even came up and sat there with me for a bit which is really cool because as far as I know she's never been to church or anything before. The student tea was ok. Better than the last, but I felt a bit left out as they were all York Uni students and they just talked about that. The curate did apologise for forgetting to meet me last Thursday though and she told everyone to say happy birthday to me as they came upstairs - lol!

Church was cool in the evening though. I met up with my new American friend and Bek - we sat together. Haven't sat with anyone I know for a while! It was a good service and then we went and introduced my American friend to all the people from St. Johns. This meant that they talked to me to. Somehow it's less scary when she's with me. Party because she's so confident, but partly because I take on a different role. I'm looking after her, not me. We went to the church hall afterwards where we met more people. I was able to chat a bit with someone I met in the week, then we got caught by the worship leader's wife (who does singing lessons!!!) selling tickets and she introduced us to more people!

We then walked home - yey not on my own! And here I am now, where I think I'm going to settle down in my empty house with a book and a creme egg :D

So a bit of an up and down day. Oh and Bek thought my birthday was tomorrow and she told my other friends that, so that explains the lack of contact with some people. I got texts from my prayer triplet in Leamington which was cool, who both said presents are in the post!

Bye Bye

I don't know how other people like to spend their birthday, but one of my housemates has gone to spend the eve with her boyfriend, so she won't be here in the morning and is spending the day with him. Another one has gone home to see her boyfriend and probably won't be back till Tuesday, so it's just two of us left. Hmm... that makes me a bit sad :(

Spider

Hmmm... irrational fears.

I just had a big spider crawl passed me on my bed as I was settling down to read a book. I leaped into the kitchen and got my two housemates to help me get rid of it with the vacuum cleaner. I'm not an evil spider killer and I'm quite happy for them to be taken outside and left to carry on their lives, but sometimes there is no other option and panic takes over!

We think we got it. Not 100% certain. We left the cleaner hanging out the front door incase it climbs back down it. But I'm too scared to stay in my room for long. How am I supposed to sleep tonight?! Everywhere I look I think I see a spider and I keep feeling like they're crawling on me.

I hate having such an irrational fear, but it really sends me into such a panic and will take me a few days to feel comfortable in my room again - not constantly looking over my shoulder!

*shiver*

help!

Leeds

Last night we went out in Leeds for the second stage of our birthday celebrations!

It was a good evening. You can see some pics that Bar Censsa took www.barcenssaleeds.com(sorry - haven't figured out how to do links properly in me blog)

Not much else to say about it really!

I have 8 cards and 3 presents sitting waiting for me in my room. It's so hard not to open them! My housemates bought me a cool photo frame, so I'm going to get some photo's printed.

It's me birthday tomorrow - yey yey yey!

Kids Party

Here's the moment you've all been waiting for!

On Thurs evening we had a kids birthday party for my housemate and I. Our two other housemates planned it all and decorated the kitchen. We had wigs, party hats, whistles, badges, sausage rolls, crisps, party biscuits, party poppers, pass the parcel, jelly


We even had cake and jelly and played twister


and of course we went to asda in our wigs!



It was all so funny! We did a conga outside around the student accommodation with big party poppers. The girls had put so much effort into it, I was well flattered!

Internationals

(for the second time of writing - grrr)

Today *shock* I helped out with the arrival of the new international students.
I didn't really do much as they seemed to have everything covered, but I did meet one girl and also got invited to a weekend in Paris. Never been there, so that should be cool.

She's from the USA and is living two doors down from me this term. She's friendly and bubbly and decided to hang out with me all afternoon which was cool. When we walked through college she said hello to the people we passed - although none responded... I've never done that! She didn't even appear that put off by their negative responses and her confidence certainly wasn't dented!

She even came to the drs with me where we had a long wait. This didn't bother her as she just talked to everyone who was there. When two girls came in she said hello to them but they looked at her as if she was strange. She turned to me and said, 'don't you guys to that in England?!' To which I replied, 'no, not usually, but I wish we did.' She still managed to get a conversation going with them and chatted for ages not in the least worried about what they thought of her or anything.

This all facinated and amazed me. The ease at which she strikes up conversation and keeps it going. I've only known her for an afternoon and yet I already want to be like her. It's at times like this that I hate being a reserved British person (yes I know Carl, I need to be who I am!). I want to strike up conversations with complete strangers. I want to be so confident in myself (or more accurately God) that I don't care what others think. The thing is, I'm even too scared to talk to her again. What if she didn't like me and found me boring or annoying? (although she did want to show me to her parents - 'my parents would so love to see an English girl!!!') Oh my silly brain. I think I have a lot to learn from Katie. I know I can do it, cuz I have in certain circumstances. It would be cool to be free.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. An interesting term in a world of revenge and bitterness.
We were looking at the forgiveness part in the Apostle's Creed this morning. Talking about how we have two tasks. One to repent and ask God for forgiveness - to really mean we're sorry with our hearts. Two to forgive others. How can we experience the freedom of forgiveness if we won't give to and release others? The bitterness and hurt of not forgiving others we carry around with us is heavy and drags us down. It effects our every day life. The desire to seek our revenge and get even with those that hurt us seeps into every aspect of our lives.

The thing is, it's so much easier said than done.

I thought I'd given up the hurt and bitterness left from my gap year when I was at Passion for Your Name. I think I did, it's just it's come back. This week everything keeps reminding me of it. The songs we sang at church, the people I see, the views people take on things etc. And it hurts. A lot.

I need to forgive and let it go, but I don't know how. I want them to say sorry for putting to much responsibilty on me, but I know that's not going to happen. I just need to give it up to God and move on.

Hmm.......

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Back to belonging. So didn't feel like I belonged at church today. Even the people who sat next to me this evening (no one did this morning) didn't make a great effort and ran off straight after the service. One young couple were lovely though. The girl came running over after the morning service to ask how my week had been.
Everyone's just so busy running around doing their own thing. Even when I went up for prayer ministry this evening they were eager to get on to the next person. I was just starting to connect with God and it was, 'We're going to move on to the next person now, ok?' It's like a mass transit system.

Once I finally (if I do) feel settled in the church I want to lead a team of people in sorting out their welcoming. I was listening to a Hero today by Superchic[k]. It's about being the Hero that goes and talks to/befriends the person on their own. In the song, those people are hurting people and lonely people and it encourages you to be the Hero that could save their life.

No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in

But we feel like we do when we make fun of him

Cause you want to belong do you go along

Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong

It’s not like we hate him or want him to die

But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide

Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side

And a kindness from you might have saved his life

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You could be a hero

Heroes do what’s right

You could be a hero

You might save a life

You could be a hero,

You could join the fight

For what’s right for what’s right for what’s right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone

She’s in too much pain to survive on her own

The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife

She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life

Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,

Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,

Each moment of courage her own life she saves

When she throws out the pills a hero is made

[Chorus]

No one talks to him about how he lives

He thinks that the choices he makes are just his

Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves

And others will follow the choices he’s made

He lives on the edge, he’s old enough to decide

His brother who wants to be him is just nine

He can do what he wants because it’s his right

The choices he makes change a nine year old’s life

[Chorus]

Minster Ball

Last night was the minster ball. I was looking forward to it as I've never been to a ball before.
But to be honest, I was greatly disappointed.

Don't get me wrong, it was great fun dressing up:

But for a start the minster was sooooo cold it really spoilt things as you could concentrate on nothing more than how on earth you could warm your poor body up.

The food was lovely though. I did enjoy that. I even ate the soup *shock*
There were some really gorgeously dressed people too. I got videoed as a guy did a magic trick for me. I wonder where they'll show that. Probably at York Uni sometime.

Since it was organised by York Uni CU, with the help of York St John's CU there was a speaker. Granted it was short and snappy (depending on what you're comparing it too!), but it was a definate you're going to hell and are going to burn!!! talk. I'm sure sometimes that is needed - the kind of 'shock' talk, but I'm not sure if it was suitable for last night.

I also felt a bit lost in the crowd. There were so many people there. Mostly from York Uni, and since I haven't got involved in the CU at college I really only knew the people on my table. It felt like we were gatecrashing someone else's massive party. I guess I could have introduced myself to people, but a lot of people just seemed so stuck up or already in there crowd, that they would have just looked at you oddly if you'd even said hello.

Anyway, I shall not be going to that again me thinks.

It's made me think a lot about belonging. We all have a desire to belong inside and it's incredibly unsettling to be in a place where you feel that you don't belong. It takes me a long time to feel that I belong. Something I'll have to think about and work on.

Change

Read this quote in a book. Don't know who it's by:

If you continue to behave as you have always behaved,

people will continue to treat you are they always have treated you.

Interesting thoughts...

Sign up

Today I have signed up for the worship band at church.
I wasn't going to do it as it seemed really daunting because the church is so big and they're all so good etc. But the lady I sat next to this evening spontaneously told me I had a good strong voice - so I went for it! Watch this space me thinks.

Also signed up to help with the musical production the youth are doing at half term. Shame I haven't got a half term!

Successfully got to church twice today without getting knocked off my bike! I even met a lady who saw it happen last week - thanks for stopping matey!!!! So what if you were late for church?!! So was I! (please take note of the sarcasm)

Completion!

I have finished all my essays for this semester! Whoooo! It feels so good. I now have two weeks to recover and relax and prepare myself for the next semester.

I also successfully bought a MAKEPOVERTYHISTORY band thingy today - finally!

Am also feeling quite good with things. I've got a book on assertiveness that I'm going to read and study this week, and am also going to put quotes up round my room from 'The 7 habits of a highly effective teenager.' Very good book - recommended to me by Laura.

I'm not fully content. I'm frustrated with my lack of confidence in going for a job. I'm questioning a bit why I'm doing counselling. Sure it's a good and interesting course. But would it have been more productive to have done it at like an evening school? Hmm...

Not liking cycling at the moment. Every car that comes up behind me makes me scared. I freak it's going to hit me! Hope I get over this soon.

Fed up with my counsellor too. Going to investigate elsewhere. She's just not experienced enough or what I need. She doesn't understand.

aaahhh *sigh* It's gonna be so nice to just chill :)

Shocks

2 main shocks today

1: I got knocked off me bike :(

2: They said at church that politicians are considering suspending the 3rd world debt - progress me thinks - don't know the details will have to investigate. Shock that they're considering doing something though.

Oh and yeah, I'm not hurt and neither's me bike. Just a bit shook up. It was the driver's fault. He was behind me and I was going straight on and he was going left, but he thought I was going left too or something. I don't know!

Love of God in You?

Just looking at this verse in the talk I'm studying by Louie Giglio

1 John 3:17 ‘If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?'

"You can't say, 'yeah I've got it, I'm standing under the waterfall of the unconditional love of God, I know I'm "Be" "loved" and I love "Be" and I just want to love Him and have Him love me all of my life' and when you see someone in need of the love of God, it just doesn't flow out of you into that person - all that's saying is you don't know fully the love of God. Because when it's in us, when it's saturated us, when it's exploded in our heart, it seeps out of us, it pours out of us to other people.So that's how he (the author of 1 John) summarises what you people are about. You're a living picture of this verse today. v.18 'Dear children (Beloved) let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.' Why? Because that's the test. It's what lets us know that the love of God is in us, not when the words come out, but then the heart moves us into motion. That's when we know the love of God is resigning in us."

Interesting me thinks.

I can now see in me a change over the last few years. I can see the love of God starting to flow out as I accept more and more God's love of me. And I have to say it's exciting.

I think it's a good wakeup call to us all as well. Are we just loving the idea of having God's love for ourselves? Have we really grasped what it is he's done for us? What does it take to move to the next stage? What does it mean in practice to be overflowing with God's love?

Risk

This is part of a poem that was read out at church on Sunday. It makes you think doesn't it?

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing,does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love-live.

Changed by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.

(by Earl Reun)