Playing Games

I've just finished reading a book called Counselling for Toads by Robert De Board. It's based on the characters from Wind in the Willows and follows the story if Toad being depressed and being encouraged by his friends Ratty, Mole and Badger to go for counselling with Heron. It then goes on to tell you how the sessions go and at the same time explains to the reader the theory of Transactional Analysis.

We were recommended to read it for our course as an easy way in to learning about TA and I have really enjoyed reading the book and watching Toad's development of his Emotional Intelligence.

One particular part of the book that interested me was the chapter on the psychological games we play. (There's a further book on this called 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne which i shall read next!) It's funny to think that underlying everything we're often playing little games with ourselves and each other without realising it. There's also another book by Berne called 'I'm ok, You're ok' which describes the different states of mind we can be in. There is 'I'm ok, you're ok', 'I'm not ok, you're ok', 'I'm ok, you're not ok' and 'I'm not ok, you're no ok.' Quite confusing but I think it makes sense.

*Someone in a 'I'm not ok, you're ok.' state might play the game of 'I'm So unlucky'. They believe that everything that goes wrong is down to somebody or something else and is down to luck. They forget the good things that have happened to them and just remember all the bad stuff.
*Someone in that state may also play 'PLOM' which is 'Poor Little Old Me' - which is basically having a pity party.
*There is also 'Love Me No Matter What I Do.' Someone playing that game will try to push things (as in how they act and treat people) as far as they can to see how far they can get before someone stops forgiving them or rejects them. Then they have the perfect (in their mind) excuse to say 'you don't love me really'.

These three games are very negative and the players often end up getting depressed and feeling low. The last game it talks about here is Suicide. Never looked at it as a game before.

Then there's the 'I'm ok, you're not ok' state. (e.g. someone who thinks they're better than others). The games played here are 'usually games where the player can be angry, or at least critical or judgemental.'
*NIGYYSOB - 'Now I've Got You, You Son of a Bitch'. I'll copy out of the book what it says for this one. 'This game is frequently played at work. First of all, someone makes a mistake. The boss notices it, calls in the erring subordinate and proceeds to give him or her a dressing down, shouting and raving at them out of all proportion to the offence committed. As you can see, this game allows the angry person to get angry, apparently justifiably. They have the proof that other people are essentially incompetent and unreliable, and second, that it is there duty to chastise and punish them. "Otherwise", they say, "they will think they can get away with it!"' This is where a lot of bullying at work comes from.
*'Why Do You Always Let Me Down?' is a game that allows the player to feel superior and the victim guilty and inferior.
*'How Dare You!' is another. 'These are the persecutors who use any opportunity to create situations where they can judge and punish others.'
*And lastly there's Murder. Although I'm not sure how much of that I'd call a game.

People in this position very rarely get depressed.

Interesting to see how the people in these two opposite states are affected by things. In the book it gives an example of a taxi being late. Someone in the 'I'm ok, you're not ok' would be likely to get angry with the taxi firm ranting and raving on the phone. Whereas someone in the 'I'm not ok, you're ok' state would be more likely to wonder why they're been forgotten, think that the firm must have got more important clients, or even blame themselves thinking they'd made a mistake.

I find this all very interesting and can't wait to find out more!

What do others think?