Guess what?!!!

I'm a bit late with this, but haven't been able to get online properly til now!!

I'm going out with a wonderful guy called Keith!!!!

Just thought I'd let the world know ;)

He's so lovely and caring, and thoughtful blah blah blah - ok I'll stop now before I and he gets too embarrassed.

Oh and - can you please pray for him as he's probably gonna be attacked by my family (up to 10 of em) on Sunday afternoon - he he!!!

Church again

Just a quite update from church last week. (Internet hasn't been on properly for a week!!!)

When I asked a woman about the headscarf stuff at the church on sunday she mumbled something about the apostle guy who heads up all their types of churches believes they should do it, so they do. I asked her what would happen if they had no headscarves and stuff and a woman wanted to pray, she said 'oh we're not that leagalistic!'

I will try and speak to the vicar next time.

I also discovered that the church is in a bit of a limbo state at the moment, which might explain some of the reasons I'm finding it hard to know whether to stick with it at the moment. The vicar is commuting from Swansea every weekend!!!!! He's been vicar since Jan and it struggling to find a house. So maybe things will be different once that's sorted.

29p Easter eggs

I've lost count of home many we've had as a house now.

Buttons eggs, creme egg eggs all for 29p each!

How are we gonna cope now they've sold out?!!!

Sad really isn't it?

Today has been very unproductive. I need to finish one essay and make a good start on the next. Maybe this evening something will happen. The sun is sooo nice though. Have been to sainsburys - that was productive. Oh and have tidied bedroom a bit and cleared out freezer a bit and epilated me legs :D

Saw The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy last night. I enjoyed it. It was very funny - especially the theme music - 'Thanks for all the fish!'

Student Volunteering Officer

So God, you want me to do this?

I had a phonecall from the President of the student union this evening asking me if I'd like to be Student Volunteering Officer. Apparently my name came up at a meeting and he was asked to 'encourage me'. Nomination deadline is Thurs 12pm so I've got to decide by then and come up with a manifesto. Hmm.... I don't even do any volunteering in York!

I don't really know what it involves. I'm meeting up with him tomorrow lunchtime. I just asked my housemates but they're weren't interested. They're a bit distracted by the fact that Sarah managed to set the grill on fire today. ;)

I don't know what to do. It's sounds like a cool title and would look good on my CV, but I don't think I could do it. It means talking to people and arranging and organising things!

Am I just suffering from a lack of confidence in myself?

Do I have time for it?

blah blah blah

Not such a good day today.

Think I'm just tired. It was a long day yesterday.

Experiential was very quiet. Usually we talk quite a bit, but today we were pretty silent. Think it could be because we're drawing to a close of the year.

I was awful in skills group. I was being observed by the tutor and videod today as counsellor. I just didn't know what I was doing and we had two very long uncomfortable pauses. I just feel really inadequate today. I was trying to make sure I worked through the model we're studying (so that I can write my essay) but at the same time you're not supposed to have a hidden agenda and are supposed to just go with the client. It's impossible to do both! Think maybe it could be coming from the feeling of helplessness from work yesterday. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing! I need a robot to practice counselling on.

In fact I'd love my course if we didn't have to do the practical videoed bit of actually counselling! lol

*sigh*

Can I do it?

First day at work yesterday.

Man that was an experience. I can't really go into much detail due to not really being clear on the confidentiality side of things! It was care work for disabled adults, in this flat two guys. One needing 2 to 1 support and the other 1 to 1. It was hands on the whole time. Neither of them could talk and a lot of my time was spent just keeping an eye on them. They both have challenging behaviour (yey, 64p extra an hour) and act like children.

We had music group in the afternoon - great fun! Not so fun on the car journey sitting between them though! One liked to hit. They're both really lovely though and you just fall in love with them.

The work will involve personal care as they can't do anything for themselves. I feel like I needed to be older and more worldly wise before I can do the job though. I need to have had kids! Cuz that's what it's like.

I'd like to be able to do it. It'll be good for me. I'm just not sure if it's for me. There's so much to remember and to do. Maybe it gets easier. It takes me an hour to get there too on the bus. I'm going to try biking tomorrow (gotta be there for 7.30am) and see how that goes! Working on Monday too - time and a half yey. Maybe I can stick it out until at least the summer!

I don't think I can be authoritative enough.

Hmmm... all confused

Headscarves

So what's the deal?

Why are the ladies at King's wearing headscarves when they are prophesying (don't you just get so confused on how you're supposed to spell that?!!)? Is it Biblical and ought we all be doing it?

The discussion on the forum hasn't helped much yet http://www.norwichyfc.co.uk/YaBBSE/index.php?topic=7607.0

But a couple of verses have been mentioned:
1 Corinthians 11:11-16
In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of women. For as woman came from man, so also is man born of woman. But everything comes from God. Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practise - nor do the churches of God.

Help please?

Who Should you vote for?

Yes I've jumped on the bandwagon too. My results I posted on Laura's blog are wrong cuz I didn't realise some were negative. Anyway, this is pretty much the same as what I got the first time:

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

	Labour 16
Conservative -25
	Liberal Democrat 42
UK Independence Party -5
	Green 43

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

King's

Well, thought I'd better post about church yesterday ;)

My friend Bek and I went to a new church on recommendation from my next-door-neighbour. It's a Ministries Without Borders church, of which I know nothing about - anyone that does, please feel free to comment!

We arrived 15mins late - by accident, and didn't quite know where to go as it's in a community hall. We were welcomed by a lady with a baby (who we later found out is the wife of the head elder) and then a young lad immediately grabbed us chairs without anyone asking. At this point, members of the church we taking it in turns at the front to share stuff with us - like the sharing time at Fridays, so that was pretty cool.

Next was some worship. Not brilliantly polished, but it felt real, sang some good songs - one made me cry cuz it reminded me of last year and it's an incredibly moving song anyway. There was some praying - the congregation joined in, there was space for people to pray and speak in tongues all together, there was a spontaneous song started which was cool.

The guy who spoke was really good to listen to. He interacted really well with the congregation, it wasn't just sitting there listening to him. He talked about the early church in Acts 2 and how we should follow it's example. Become Christians, be baptised, and receive the Holy Spirit. How we should have community together, be always praising the Lord, listening to teaching, share everything and do miracles. It was good stuff and interesting. Would like to learn more tho on their views of the Holy Spirit. He was suggesting you couldn't have him without being baptised - now I haven't be baptised but I sure have the Holy Spirit!

We finished with communion and a song - concerned on health and safety sharing the cup without washing it, holding the bread in our hands.... but hey!

People came and spoke to us afterwards without us even moving! Although the first girl isn't there really, used to be, has moved away, but keeps coming back! People were friendly and genuinely interested. They have cell groups, they're looking forward and looking to do more things in the community.

So, we shall go again next week and see what happens.

Compliments

Today in class we looked at feedback, particularly in the form of compliments.

We had to get into groups of 4, then go round and give each person a compliment that was superficial and then one that was deeper. It was hard work both from a giving and receiving point of view!

Here are what people said about me:
SUPERFICIAL
You are beautiful
We all like your infectious smile, you've got good teeth and appear friendly.
Nice eyes

DEEP
You're open
You're very real, genuine
Great sense of humour
Shining personalitly
So patient
Really caring
You're passionate
You are very organised.

I've written these down here as so often I find it difficult to remember my good points when put on the spot - so I can remind myself by looking on here!

As I received the compliments I felt myself get really hot and red. I tried to brush the compliments off by joking about my heating up etc and making a laugh out of it all (something I'm discovering I do quite a lot to hide what I really think/feel).

We then fed back to the group how it felt. We had all struggled with the exercise. We agreed that the British are quite reserved and don't always talk openly about this kind of stuff. We also agreed that we should compliment our friends and people more and point out their strengths (and possibly weaknesses too). Another interesting thing we discussed is whether when our friend are new, we see more of their qualities, then as we get to know them better we start to take these things for granted and don't see them so clearly unless we really think about it.

I also think that I just don't register in my brain people's good points and qualities. That doesn't mean I can't see them, I just don't very often think about them. Perhaps something I need to practice. I kind of just instinctively know whether I'd get on with someone and don't analyse it down to their individual qualities. It's nice to be able to compliment someone though.

Momentum

We're going!!

he he - yey.

At the moment it's just Laura and me, but I don't mind if it is just the two of us. It's gonna be a good break. Hope the weather is good!

yey

*bounces around*

Oh, and if you don't know what it is, it's a week at Shepton Mallet for 20+ run by Soul Survivor. And if people want to go to Passion - it's the same week and they can camp with us because all the cafe's and stuff and campsites are shared - yey. www.soulsurvivor.com/uk

Whooo

Torn

Haven't posted in a while.
Guess I've taken it for granted having 24/7 access at college. Doesn't seem to be time at home when we're all fighting for a turn!

Haven't even been to the forum. That used to be one of life's priorities for me. Whenever I did anything I had to go online to see if Paul or Mark or someone had messaged me. Like a lifeline almost. A contact with people, outside of my family, who thought I was ok and who I knew, although sometimes doubted, cared for me.

As I have come to have a more secure opinion of myself through God, that need and desire seems to have faded. I still eagerly check my inbox for messages from people. Although, I think I need to send more to my friends before I can expect stuff back!

I very much enjoyed Fridays last night. Not for the content, although I've nothing but positive about it, and what I saw of it looked fab. But it was the sense of belonging. As soon as I stepped through the door it felt like my teritory. A place and space I have missed. I enjoyed commanding/encouraging everyone to get out of the pews and to join everyone else. I enjoyed running around helping out. I enjoyed sneaking in to being part of the team. It was so great to see everyone.

Maybe it's just because I haven't found that community of people in York yet, but I just so want to be back with this community.

Oh and btw, we forumites are planning to take over. One day, in years to come, we are going to control NYFC. That's both an exciting and inspirational thought. A challenge. I don't mind if we don't make it though. It's a goal to aspire to, a goal in which I believe the journey of self discovery and development for us all is much more important. And for us to seek to be closer to God.

Will blog about my week on placement at some point.

Easter blessings to you all.

The Rock

Well I guess it would be good to post about The Rock this morning.

At the moment my over-riding thought/emotion is confusion!

I was expecting a modern building, but it had pillars and stuff and was pretty old. There were middle-aged, and elderly gentlemen in the car park who showed me where I could lock my bike. That encouraged me that it wouldn't be all young people!

I was warmly welcomed by a young woman who took me through the church (which looked remarkably like york baptist church across the road, and in fact, pretty much like a lot of churches I've been in!) and through to the back where there was a cafe style place. It looked quite modern and recently done. The woman introduced me to some people and gave me a free drinks voucher (they charge considerably for drinks!!) as it was my first time. I ordered an orange juice and sat down. I felt very shy and the conversation was quite limited. I suddenly realised that I probably should be asking them questions too and not just answering theirs!

Anyway, that went on for 45 mins and then we all went back into the church. I sat with these people I met in the middle. The church is wider than it is long so you get a pretty good view wherever you sit. I realised at this point I should have asked if the tea and coffee was fair trade but I forgot. There seemed to be quite a mix of ages, but predominantly young people.

Now the front of that church was interesting. It was a complete proper stage (they have a dance academy too) with a sheet of black from the ceiling covered in lights like stars. From the floor to the balcony was a white sheet covered in the same kind of lights, but which also had spot lights in blue and pink shining down. Then I realised there was a complete light system going on! There was a big screen in the middle like we have at Fridays, and then the band took up the whole stage. This is where alarm bells started going off as I remembered a conversation with an old pastor who talked to me about the significance of the placing of things at the front of the Baptist church we were at. In the Baptist church, the pulpit was raised in the middle of the stage because of the centrality of the Bible teaching to our lives, below it was the table for communion, and to the side would be the musicians. I don't know whether it's me being 'traditional' or whatever, but that makes sense to me.

I don't like the band being centre stage as it leads to band worship. As in worshipping the band.

As the service started the musicians came on and this included six singers with hand held microphones. Everyone in the band had lots of makeup and looked really dressed up. I thought uh oh, this is really starting to look like a performance. I don't like it when people when lots of makeup. It makes me think they're insecure in how they look. I think it can make others who don't look so perfect feel unworthy. Then they started singing. One bloke, in a kind of gospel style but not quite. Then the other singers joined in, dancing around and really getting into it. There were at least two guys running around with cameras so that shots of the singers and band could be shown on the screen behind the words. Eventually it got to bits where the congregation could join in. I found it all very distracting, but when we got to songs I knew I shut my eyes and really met with God. The noise was so loud with people singing and enjoying themselves, you could just groove. But I struggled when I had to open my eyes to read the words. The whole thing felt like a performance. People clapped after each song - fine if their clapping God, but people shouted out well done to the singers and stuff!

I enjoyed the way they embraced the Holy Spirit and people spontaneously prayed. They certainly believed in the power of God to heal and stuff today. The talk was very challenging and appropriate. Talking about leaning on God and his understanding, not our own. Might blog more about it tomorrow. I couldn't write down the stuff he was saying fast enough!

The leader guy kept going on about this church being the best church ever. Not the only church, but the best. That annoyed me a bit. They don't seem to be in to doing things with other churches, but they kept saying, 'anyway we can serve you, let us know!' We served ourselves communion at the front. No one quite explained what it was.

I chatted to some people afterwards and asked about the work they do in the community. Not much was the answer. They do a drop in for the homeless a number of afternoons. She didn't seem to want to talk about community.

I then had an amazing talk with an older guy from Cyprus. He's been there 21 years and seen it change from a church were no one was welcomed, and now he actively encourages the younger people to welcome people. We agreed that it gives such an awful impression not to be welcoming. What does that say to non-Christians? I really enjoyed my chat with him. He kept squeezing my arm and was very enthusiastic. He seemed genuinely nice and interested. We talked about the importance of being routed in a church and stuff. I mentioned that I found the worship a bit showy. He didn't answer directly, just said something vague about not everything suiting everybody and you have to make allowences for some things. I guess he's right to a certain extent. So what if they're not doing much with the community - that's something we can sort out. So what if they're not using fair trade stuff - we can sort that.

But I just don't know. I think I'll try Kings the week I get back after Easter. Then I'll try The Rock again.

Chocolat

Have just watched Chocolat - and no not just to see Jonny Depp - I didn't realise he was in it!

It's a film that people have mentioned to me before and recommended watching - so since I'm on a free trial thingy I thought I would!

I enjoyed it and I think it speaks powerfully about exclusion and being too stuck up our own noses to help people. Unfortunately it puts the church in a bad light. It makes it appear domineering and exclusive and as though Christians have no thought for others other than to make themselves look better. The priest geezer did shine through at the end though. He knew what he was talking about, he was just overpowered by the mayor.

It made me think about how I view others. Do I just look down from my high moral horse at the pitiful people around me, or do I refuse to let that stop me from helping others? Or do I have that in my mind as I help others? What are my priorities?

The film shows how cruel people can be emotionally and psychologically. How unwelcome and uncomfortable we can make new people, or different people feel. In fact that reminds me of one of my housemates today. She came in crying after a tiff with her boyfriend. Don't think I've ever heard someone cry so violently! She knows that her problems come from devoting all of herself to him, from being completely dependent on him. She also knows that she needs to socialise more and make more friends than just her housemates. But she refuses to. She doesn't like making friends. Therefore she's not going to. She said she only made friends with us because she was forced into the situation. (hmm.. that's actually quite insulting. Didn't think of that.) When people come round our house that she doesn't know, she completely gives them the cold shoulder and is insistant that they don't like her.

It makes me sad. I don't really know how to help except listen and pray. But God's a big guy!

Drunkeness

Well this eve has been the first time I've had to deal with completely drunk housemates who've been sick! Nice. Actually wasn't too bad.

Started with a water fight - thankfully avoided getting wet!

And finished in tears and sick - lovely.

I guess it's what friends do for friends. Although I think one housemate is still in disbelief that we could quite happily hold her hair up and hug her while she was being sick. 'I'm so glad I got in this house with you guys!' she exclaimed a number of times. I just hope she'd do the same for us!

It's been partly quite funny, but also quite sad. They're so upset in their lives. So unhappy with themselves. Lord, please just work in their hearts.

Lost

Feeling a little lost today.

In class we were doing role play which has been fine so far, but today I just couldn't do it. I was overcome with nerves and completely self conscious. I struggled to fight through it. It felt like I'd taken some steps back, or was it the concern that the happy 'I can do anything Helen' face that I put on was just that. A face. A mask that I've been hiding behind, or can I really be that Helen?

I also feel a bit lost because I haven't seen my closest friend at uni properly for the last few weeks. I haven't had a big heart to heart with anyone about how things are going.

Also lost due to church. I'm increasingly realising that where I was, was not for me. I was kidding myself. I've learnt more from Hotel Rwanda and reading my friend Carl's blog than I have from church since I started uni. I know all about the don't just complain - do something about it, but that church was so big, it would take me the 3 years of uni to get far enough in for my ideas to be listened to.
Problem is I haven't found another church. I'd like a church that is concerned with community around it, that is committed to giving fair trade a go, that is in touch with today, that takes an active part in ministry both her here and abroad. A church I could bring my friends to.

Gonna try out The Rock on Sunday http://www.rockchurch.org.uk/ have heard mostly negative reports about it being like a performance, so am gonna check it out for myself.

Best thing about today was finding my wallet and discovering a 7 pack of salt and vinegar hula hoops at ASDA. Usually you can only get mixed packs which is pointless for the likes of me who don't like all the flavours. I was literally skipping round the store :D

Hotel Rwanda

Wow.

At the moment I am speechless along with tear stained cheeks.

Can't really think of the most appropriate words to describe the film. I think it's the most I've cried in watching any film so far. Not only was it a true story, but also a reminder of what goes on in the world today.

Don't go and see it if you want a nice cosy night out. Go and see it if you want your senses woken and your passion stirred.

The thing is, how do you respond to it?

At one point in the film a camera man had filmed the local people being brutely (sp?) murdered and beaten. This was to be shown to the world. The main guy, although deeply upset by the footage desparately wanted it to be shown because then maybe people would come to help. To which the cameraman replied that no, they would say, 'oh my God that's awful' and then carry on eating their dinner.

Is that not so true? Does it not touch a nerve to realise that you do that?

We don't have to live in constant fear of our lives. How would you cope in that situation? Or would you rather not think about that?

Hmm... think that's all I can write for now.

Frustration

I have a number of frustrations at the moment.

Firstly, the cleaner is in the house. Usually I'm at a lecture (study day today) so I don't hear her or even see her, but today I can hear her and don't want to leave my room til she's gone! Our house isn't in an awful state. It could just be cleaner. We have no consistency in our cleanliness, sometimes it's really clean (particularly if it's a housemates 'time of the month') and sometimes there is ice cream stuck hard on the surfaces and lots of pots.

At the moment it sounds like the cleaner is sawing something in our kitchen. I just hate having someone in the house that isn't one of us or one of our friends. Makes me feel so uncomfortable. A number of times I've stopped and talked to her, but I don't like her cleaning up my mess.

Another frustration is my Spring Harvest application form being lost in the post. Maybe it's not right for me to help at it, but it would have been nice. Jolly postal system. Not so worried about my CRB results form being in it any more as I'm having another one done for my new job. It throws my plans for Easter in the air, so I'm unclear as to how long to go home for now. Who knows, maybe they'll get the form in the next few days....

A third frustration is the 3mile distance from my house to the offices of my new job. When I'm working it won't be at the offices so it won't matter so much, but I've got to go and take some ID for my CRB form, and then go back again at a later date to collect the ID again. I don't really want to face the cycle ride again and two trips would make it £4.60 on the bus which is quite a lot for just dropping off and picking up again.

My last frustration and maybe the biggest is church. I don't know what to do about it! It was ok on Sunday at Elim, but there's something I don't like about it and I can't put my finger on it. It's like the gut feeling I had about my boss last year. But I don't know where else to go.

How do you find a church?

Playing Games

I've just finished reading a book called Counselling for Toads by Robert De Board. It's based on the characters from Wind in the Willows and follows the story if Toad being depressed and being encouraged by his friends Ratty, Mole and Badger to go for counselling with Heron. It then goes on to tell you how the sessions go and at the same time explains to the reader the theory of Transactional Analysis.

We were recommended to read it for our course as an easy way in to learning about TA and I have really enjoyed reading the book and watching Toad's development of his Emotional Intelligence.

One particular part of the book that interested me was the chapter on the psychological games we play. (There's a further book on this called 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne which i shall read next!) It's funny to think that underlying everything we're often playing little games with ourselves and each other without realising it. There's also another book by Berne called 'I'm ok, You're ok' which describes the different states of mind we can be in. There is 'I'm ok, you're ok', 'I'm not ok, you're ok', 'I'm ok, you're not ok' and 'I'm not ok, you're no ok.' Quite confusing but I think it makes sense.

*Someone in a 'I'm not ok, you're ok.' state might play the game of 'I'm So unlucky'. They believe that everything that goes wrong is down to somebody or something else and is down to luck. They forget the good things that have happened to them and just remember all the bad stuff.
*Someone in that state may also play 'PLOM' which is 'Poor Little Old Me' - which is basically having a pity party.
*There is also 'Love Me No Matter What I Do.' Someone playing that game will try to push things (as in how they act and treat people) as far as they can to see how far they can get before someone stops forgiving them or rejects them. Then they have the perfect (in their mind) excuse to say 'you don't love me really'.

These three games are very negative and the players often end up getting depressed and feeling low. The last game it talks about here is Suicide. Never looked at it as a game before.

Then there's the 'I'm ok, you're not ok' state. (e.g. someone who thinks they're better than others). The games played here are 'usually games where the player can be angry, or at least critical or judgemental.'
*NIGYYSOB - 'Now I've Got You, You Son of a Bitch'. I'll copy out of the book what it says for this one. 'This game is frequently played at work. First of all, someone makes a mistake. The boss notices it, calls in the erring subordinate and proceeds to give him or her a dressing down, shouting and raving at them out of all proportion to the offence committed. As you can see, this game allows the angry person to get angry, apparently justifiably. They have the proof that other people are essentially incompetent and unreliable, and second, that it is there duty to chastise and punish them. "Otherwise", they say, "they will think they can get away with it!"' This is where a lot of bullying at work comes from.
*'Why Do You Always Let Me Down?' is a game that allows the player to feel superior and the victim guilty and inferior.
*'How Dare You!' is another. 'These are the persecutors who use any opportunity to create situations where they can judge and punish others.'
*And lastly there's Murder. Although I'm not sure how much of that I'd call a game.

People in this position very rarely get depressed.

Interesting to see how the people in these two opposite states are affected by things. In the book it gives an example of a taxi being late. Someone in the 'I'm ok, you're not ok' would be likely to get angry with the taxi firm ranting and raving on the phone. Whereas someone in the 'I'm not ok, you're ok' state would be more likely to wonder why they're been forgotten, think that the firm must have got more important clients, or even blame themselves thinking they'd made a mistake.

I find this all very interesting and can't wait to find out more!

What do others think?

Cold Calling

Never never ever again!

This evening I worked for 4 hours from 5-9 for the job agency I'm imployed by. Their client was a market research agency who wanted us to cold call people from the phonebook in a certain town in the UK to do research on a housing company which has recently taken over the council properties. The company is looking to provide new services such as building maintanence and leisure facilities and various other things to both people who own or rent privately and who have council houses.

We had to say that the questionaire took 10 mins when in reality it was more like 20-30. It was very repetitive and boring to both read and fill in. A lot of the questions were hard for me to fill in let alone the people I was reading it to.

I'm sure you're realising by now that I didn't enjoy this experience!

Most people were polite and just said no thank you. One guy replied to my, 'I'm working for a market research agency' - 'oh you poor thing, what a shame' and slammed the phone down.

Unfortunately we were being paid £3.50 per survey, and although I managed to get through the whole side of a sheet from the phonebook, I only completed 3 surveys - that means I get less than minimal wage. Of the four of us, two did 6 surveys, one 4 and then me. To be honest I think it's the luck of the draw. We all had random lists, said exactly the same things in pretty much the same tone of voice.

All three of mine got fed up part way through. I felt sorry for the first old lady and hope that I haven't killed her off. She wasn't feeling well by the end of it and couldn't manage to finish it. Oops.

Never ever am I doing that again.