Counselling Two

Guess I ought to write something about my counselling session yesterday really!

It was good. Bit up and down emotionally - but what else can you expect?!

We talked about the kind of big blocks I have in my brain that stop me from thinking properly. Sometimes when asked certain questions or when I have to think about some things, my mind just goes blank and it's really hard to fight passed that, so I just say, 'I don't know' which in itself is frustrating.

I feel like I've lost a chunk of my brain. I used to be clever. At GCSEs I was getting A*s, at A2 that went down to Cs, and now my first essay at degree has come back as a C. It's not bad, but I can't help thinking that I've lost something along the way. I find it hard to concentrate and have to read textbooks over and over again, as I just switch off when I'm reading them and discover that I can't remember what I read in the previous sentence.
Everything is just really hard to comprehend and takes a lot of effort. I feel thick! Things have to be explained really simply before I can understand what's going on.

This in turn confuses me as to whether I'm doing my best or not. By looking into the past I see my best as As and stuff, but has my best now changed? What am I aiming for? What's good for me and what's bad?

I just come up with big blanks.

We figured that one reason for me finding things hard could be because a lot of the theories I'm learning in counselling actually relate to me. So I either switch off cuz I'm not ready to go there, or get sidetracked into thinking about myself. New Testament studies could be the same because I believe that God is working in my life and speaks through the Bible, therefore reading the Bible means that he might speak to me and that can be scary and challenging - therefore it's easier not to go there.

Anyways, I'm hoping this will all start getting easier as the counselling goes along.

May I just need someone to kick me into doing work!